Alma 24:30

"And this we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of this pertaining to righteousness, and then have fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been struggling a lot with doing the things I know I should be doing. I feel like I'm not only failing in Scripture studies and personal prayers; I feel like I'm failing in other areas as well. I feel like I'm struggling with reverence. I feel like I'm struggling with Sabbath Day observance. I feel like I'm not making the best choices.
With these challenges, and the consequential reduction of prayers and scripture study on my behalf, I feel like more questions have arisen. I feel like I'm questioning things I once felt sure about. And the timing of this could not be any worse.
I've started working on my mission papers, and because of all these struggles I'm having, I feel like I'm doubting whether I can be an effective missionary. I'm questioning whether I can do this. Part of me thinks that this is exactly what the adversary would have me believe. He wants me to feel like a failure.
And I guess that's why that verse spoke to me today. If I allow the adversary to creep in, if I allow him to lead me away, I can expect to have a harder life than the one I had before I was a member. I can expect to face to worse from my Heavenly Father. He is more forgiving to those who have transgressed without knowledge of His full gospel than He is to those who knew it and have forsaken it. I don't want to be one of those people is slow to remember their Father. I don't want to become one of those people who slips away. I know I need to make some changes in my life; and that starts by putting Him first AGAIN. Somewhere along the lines I let Him go from my first priority to another number on my list. And that has got to change.
It's been said by some that if you aren't progressing, then you are retrogressing. This whole experience has taught me that that is true.
But you know what else I've learned? Experiences like this may be a test of faith, but these are the types of experiences that bring you closer to the Father and the Savior. I wouldn't have joined the Church without an experience like this because that experience humbled me. I didn't think I needed religion until I had nothing else to fall back on but what little faith I had. While these experiences are challenging in the moment, the weight of the load can be made lighter through Jesus Christ. And, my goodness, I'm truly grateful for that!

On Personal Progress

So the YSA Sisternaries recently asked me to start working  on the Young Womens Personal Progress program.
I honestly didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, when my sister told me her family ward was making her do that, I felt like I dodged a bullet by joining the Church as an adult because that meant I would get to skip out on all that extra work.
On the other hand, since joining, I've wondered how different my teen years might have been had I grown up with "For the Strength of Youth" and the other youth programs. So, part of me was annoyed because now I would have all this extra stuff to do, and I'm a little old to be toting around a Personal Progress notebook. Actually, when I went to the YSA temple baptism night, and I pulled it out to read and get started on one of the projects, people were giving me funny looks as if I am this sort of loser who is well past 18, and who still hasn't finished it. I felt like I flunked a grade, and every one knew it.
But, to their credit, once I told them I was a convert, and that my missionaries asked me to work on it, they changed their demeanor, and were eager to answer any questions I had.
Anyway, the sisters asked me to work on it, and to pick a value based on which attribute I scored lowest on in Preach My Gospel. So, I ended up picking Choice and Accountability. And it has been a real challenge. Even before they asked me to work on this, I have been struggling with making my scripture study and personal prayers a priority. I'm not really sure where I started slipping because I used to read the scriptures daily, and praying, well, I've never really been good at that, but I did it at least once a day. And now, I'm ashamed to say it's once every other day or so.
And I can feel that as I slip in these areas, I'm starting to feel less and less worthy to pray. And it makes it that much harder to do it. I know that this is the adversary at work, that he would have me believe that I am not worthy to pray, that I don't have time to pray, that I'm too tired to pray, etc., and praying is something that has always been difficult for me, and he's trying, and succeeding at making it harder for me.
The other day I reread my patriarchal blessing, and it says for me to make prayer a priority, to read the scriptures often, and to read the words of the modern prophets and leaders whenever it's made available. And I remember that at the time that my patriarchal blessing was given, I thought that that stuff was so obvious and that I didn't need to be told about that. But now that I am struggling in those areas, I see why the Lord gave that counsel. How foolish of me to think that I would never stop reading my scriptures, and stop praying. How foolish of me to think that the counsel given to me then wouldn't be useful to me someday. But how grateful am I now to have that counsel now when I really need it!
I know that when the Sisters proposed I take this on, I wasn't too thrilled about it. And it has been really difficult to do Personal Progress on top of every thing else I'm trying to work on. But I am so grateful that they did suggest it. I was struggling with scripture study and personal prayer before and I wasn't sure how to get back in the habit of it. With their help and their guidance, I have found a way. I don't think it's something I'll finish in a timely manner, but I feel like as long as I make a little bit of progress daily, then I'll be alright. :)
Peace out, y'all.